Cover Patrol

Do you often find that you can’t find your blankets? Chubb should offer insurance against sleep threatening shoulder exposure. But with alarm systems like Ring offering protection from prowlers and Ron DeSantis providing election police, it’s time for a uniformed Cover Patrol. Sensors will be installed. For a fixed monthly fee you will be guaranteed full alarm service that will make sure your covers are on the bed where they should be, e.g. around your legs and feet. Once word gets around, Netflix is likely to come forth with a series. Remember Broderick Crawford who played the grizzled cop on Highway Patrol in between appearing as a gangster in Fellini’s Il Bidone (1955). Cover Patrol would have its own fleet of squad cars and uniformed officers, who'd show up with their lights flashing and sirens wailing the minute a rambunctious comforter rolls onto the floor, thereby failing to live up to its name.

read "The Findings" by Francis Levy, Evergreen Review

and listen to "Cool Jerk" by The Capitols