Tuesday, April 9, 2019

The Dedicated Mourner

Is it possible that the people who show up for your funeral are just the ones who have nothing better to do, the assiduous ones who were always there, say like the useless quotes that you padded papers with in high school? The elusive and desirable types, made more desirable in your mind, by the low esteem in which they held you, will be no shows. Of course, there’s going to be one big difference, you won’t be there to care. You’ll never know even if all kinds of termites come out of the woodwork to sing your praises. Forbes famously publishes its 400 list and there's always the obit the matter of a Times obit, something bound to garner a multivalent reaction in just about anyone. Let’s say it turns out you’re a bigger wig than you thought and someone has taken note of your existence all these years, it’s really too bad you won’t be there to know. It’s at this point that elaborate hoaxes have to be dealt with. If parents can pay thousands, even millions to get their kids into elite colleges, why can’t you enlist the services of some PR company from the Dark Web who'll prematurely announce your demise. That way you can have your cake and eat it too. Wouldn’t it be fun to read your own obit. It’s like having a play opening on Broadway and reading the reviews that come out in the next morning's edition of the paper. Wouldn’t it be fun to be in the back of the chapel in which your eulogy is being given and in the end be there to greet everyone who has attended your wake? Remember Wally Shawn's The Designated Mourner? Why not be your own dedicated mourner?

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