Help Wanted: Missionary Position Available

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Qualified applicants are urged to apply. This is a tenure track position which holds the possibility for considerable responsibilities. Those who are accepted will be furnished with a queen-sized bed in one of the major hotel chains. Duties include discussions and lectures culminating in coitus. Your application must include a CV and a recent photo. The shot should be taken with the position in mind. Simple headshots are not recommended. Experience is important but not essential. Enthusiasm for the work at hand and creativity are valued along with fieldwork. The reputation of the applicant will be taken into consideration and those with a backlog of missionary work should describe their past positions in detail. Anyone who has ever enjoyed a missionary position realizes that it's give and take and involves good degree of putting out. You should be ready to put your best foot forward. All applicants for the position must be ready to throw themselves into the job on a 24/7 basis, though those on the receiving end will be rewarded with the residual benefit of getting to know quite a bit about the architecture of ceilings.