If You Are Considering Rejection From the Harvard Class of '22

Dear Applicant, we hope this letter finds you untriggered. We are sorry to inform you that we will not be able offer you a place in the Harvard class of 2022. This does not mean, however, that you will not be entitled to all the privileges of Harvard students nor does it mean that you will be deprived of any of the economic and social opportunities that derive from being a Harvard graduate. In fact those who have been rejected from Harvard are able to avail themselves of privileges that are not even available to Harvard students. As a persecuted minority those who have been rejected from Harvard College will be eligible to reparations under both the Geneva and Nuremberg accords. In addition, both affirmative action and consent will protect anyone who applies to Harvard whether they are accepted or not. Harvard does not discriminate on the basis of race, sex, sexual affinity or preference. Applications from witches will are routinely considered, though divining rods are occasionally employed in cases where a witch may deemed to be receiving preferential treatment. If you are an applicant to Harvard and are a member of an endangered species you will find protection (please consult your local A.S.P.C.A.).Those who suffer form heart disease, or have had rheumatic fever, or urinary infections within the previous six months and those who take steroids or calcium supplements should consult their doctor before applying to Harvard. All applicants to Harvard are advised to take one baby aspirin before bed. Do not apply to Harvard if you take medications for CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome), bursitis, tardive dyskinesia or if you have been prescribed statins or suspect you may have imbibed sulfates or nitrates. Those who suffer from BPH should consult their urologist before applying to Harvard.