Monday, August 23, 2021

What's the Difference Between a Hemorrhoid and an Asteroid?

Asteroid 2014 J025 (NASA)

What’s the difference between a hemorrhoid and an asteroid? First of all, a “hemorrhoid” is not an easy spell and may look like a meteor. Everyone knows a meteor is something that breaks off from an asteroid. So, asteroids which circle the sun, are the objects that have eminent domain. Asteroids are big shots, but it's probably not an insult to say a meteor is “nothing” since they have so little distinction. Meteors may be "space debris," but you wouldn’t want to run into a one in a dark alley. It’s generally thought that the Ice Age occurred when an asteroid hit the earth. That might be the equivalent of a power punch. When James Cagney was informed his mother died in White Heat, he became an asteroid. You have to be something to bring down a heavy hitter like Mother Earth. Hemorrhoids don’t have orbits. In fact, the only path they’re likely to take is down the lower rectum once a proctologist strangles them with a rubber band. As celestial objects they are red like Mars, but the buck stops there. The half-life of the average hemorrhoid is less than a shooting star.

Read "Cloaca" by Francis Levy, The Screaming Pope

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