Sperm Count: The Decline and Fall of the Playboy Nude

A mixture of sadness and relief has greeted the coming demise of the Playboy nude. A virtual institution of the male imagination, the nude will disappear from Playboy starting with the March issue. Needless to say barbershops will never be the same, but experts in workplace economics predict that the time of the average American male’s haircut will be cut by approximately 5 minutes, due to the fact that barbers will no longer have to stop while their customers turn centerfolds upside down and sideways. Figuring that the average barber cuts the hair of approximately 20 customers per day (2 per hour for a l0 hour day) that will save approximately 100 minutes, which will mean that the revenue of the average barber will increase by three haircuts a day. If the average barber works approximately 250 days per year that comes to 750 more haircuts, at approximately $25 per haircut equals an increased profit of $18,750. Not chump change. The increased income will undoubtedly have broad ramifications for the American economy, as the demand for goods and services will be increased by the thousands of barbers with more disposable income. What else can we say about the demise of the Playboy nude? It’s not just a matter of economics, but unrequited love. If you’re a male you may remember falling for a particular bunny. You ripped out her pictorial spread and placed it on your wall, but that was never enough. You brought the glossy pages of the magazine to your face and even into bed at night, hoping to close the distance, as the gazing at your Eurydice only doomed her to disappear back into the Underworld of Playboy Enterprises.