Workout I

Moderate workouts are useless and even harmful. Let’s face facts—what’ s the point? Infomercials provide all kinds of abdominal gadgets and pulleys that enable human beings to create flat stomachs, and biceps, triceps and glutes that are similar to those sinewy life-size anatomy posters that hang in high school class rooms. It's the equivalent of The Taj Mahal for Idiots or The Proof of Poincare’s Theorem Made Simple or the local car wash taking care of quadruple bypass surgery in l0 minutes on its conveyor belt. Why work out moderately? To feel moderately better? To feel a moderate rush of endorphins? To facilitate the moderate flow of serotonin reuptake inhibitors that will leave the moderate gym rat in a moderately depressed state in which he or she develops a moderately accepting attitude about the limitations of life?

   

Now it is not necessary for the sixty-year-old to jump hurdles, practice Thai boxing (Muay Thai), ultimate fighting, cage fighting or k-1. He need not power lift (power clings, dead lifts, squats, bench presses with free weights). He need not learn the guillotine, which is a submission practiced in Ju Jitsu. However, for even the most moderate improvement in the ability to handle mortality, here is what must occur:

Monday—start the day with a head stand (standing on the head yoga style with the arms cupped around the forehead will suffice too), lift weights at home, skip rope for 30 minutes while watching CNN, practice some martial art for an hour.

Tuesday—early morning weightlifting, spinning (45 min.), martial arts.

Wednesday—early morning weightlifting, jump rope, martial arts.

Thursday—2x martial arts.

Friday—near death experience with exercycle at home, martial arts.

Saturday—near death experience in spinning class followed by a botched attempt at “belly” breathing, weight lifting, pushups and pull-ups while contemplating mortality. 

Sunday—weight lifting, 15 minutes skipping rope, almost-but-not-quite-civilized level spinning.

    

What about a day of rest? What about it?