Sperm Count: Severed Head Rejoined

In his obit of Carol Doda (“Carol Doda, 78, Pioneer ofTopless Entertainment, Dies at 78,”) NYT, 11/14/15), Sam Roberts remarks, “Her bust was said to have been insured for $1.5 million.” Looking at the picture accompanying the article one can see why. Roberts quotes the famous San Francisco Chronicle columnist Herb Caen in characterizing Ms. Doda as “the Susan B. Anthony of this particular liberating movement.” But she really could have been called the Susan DD. Anthony, since according to Roberts she injected "her breasts with enough silicone to expand her bra size to 44DD from 34B.” All of this raises profound questions of medical ethics. Who was the insurance company and does the kind of insurance Ms. Doda bought fall within the parameters of the type of umbrella policy that many people purchase for cars and other valuable objects in their houses? And what about other porn stars like John Holmes who sported the male equivalent of big breasts, a huge cock? Was he insured by Mutual of Omaha or the Prudential and for how much? And then there was, of course, the famed Superman, who was one of the major tourist sites in Havana back in the Batista era? But what about others outside the porn industry? An article on ESPN ("Underwriting with the stars," ESPN, 10/8/09) states that while Dave Beckham insured his legs for $78 million, Takeru Kobayashi the competitive eater was unable to find an insurer who would provide coverage on his stomach. And if you can insure a breast, why not insure a brain? It would be interesting to find out if “the sage of Omaha,” Warren Buffett, whose Berkshire Hathaway has profited mightily in the field of reinsurance, is covered for his cerebral cortex. Are we likely to stumble on a tabloid caption which reads, “Severed Head Rejoined?" But such questions are a little like hitting someone below the belt. Perhaps it’s more fair to talk about covering organs that are a little closer to home. Take John Wayne Bobbitt whose wife Lorena famously cut off his penis. Once you wreck a car, your premiums go up and one wonders if someone like Bobbitt whose penis had already been severed once could even afford the premiums on a policy which would indemnify him against future losses of the same kind. The title of the film John Wayne Bobbitt Uncut preempts many of these queries. 

The Chronicles of Castration: John Wayne Bobbitt

John Wayne Bobbitt became an iconic figure in the history of male castration fantasy in l993 when his wife Lorena cut off his penis and threw it out of a car window. Naturally Lorena didn’t actually castrate John since she didn’t cut off his testicles, but it is almost universally accepted that severing a penis is tantamount to castration and even worse (though the castrati who sang soprano parts in 16^th century  church choirs might have testified otherwise).Needless to say the Bobbitt incident had a nefarious effect on the dream life of many males since Bobbitt was attacked during a drunken slumber and to quote the poet, “Lorena hath murdered sleep.” For many American men the only experience of a severed penis prior to the Bobbitt incidence came from walking though Greek wing of the Met and seeing the dismembered statues. Apparently Bobbitt himself was no worse for the wear. His penis was miraculously found and reattached and he went on to exploit the incident by performing in adult films. John Wayne Bobbitt: Uncut is probably one of the most brilliant titles in the history of porn and Bobbitt also went on to star in the movie Frankenpenis. Bobbitt also had a music career as member of the band The Severed Parts.

Sex and Zen 3D: Extreme Ecstasy

Sex and Zen 3D: Extreme Ecstasy, currently playing at the Village East Cinemas, is advertised as a smash hit in Australia and New Zealand, among other places. The plot of the movie concerns an artistic and scholarly young man living during the dynastic era in China. We know this because the emperor is alluded to and all the men and women wear wigs and robes of an ancient regime, though the candor with which sex is discussed creates significant cracks in the historical authenticity. In a nutshell, the young man’s lust for his new wife is marred by the fact that his penis is too small. He goes through a number of lucubrations, eventually involving concubines, before he seeks out medical help. There is a dramatic scene in the office of a pair of would-be doctor/healers, a couple of off-duty gravediggers from a stray Chinese Hamlet who do organ transplants. In the course of the operation, the horse’s penis that is supposed to be transplanted is accidentally flattened, and a dog eats the young artist’s original penis. It must be stated that there is no evidence that Christopher Sun, who directed Sex and Zen 3D, or Mark Wu, who wrote it, were thinking of Joyce’s Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man when they made this film, just in a case anyone mistakenly thinks otherwise. Having a small penis is better than none at all is obviously one of the themes that the filmmakers want to burn into the minds of film-goers, with the assistance of the latest in 3-D technology. There is also a subplot involving a renowned Buddhist monk whose seduction by a beautiful transsexual ruins a lifetime of keeping desire at bay. If this film was a smash hit in Australia, one wonders what its popularity says about the cinematic sensibility and movie-going habits Down Under, no pun intended. Forget about the Chinese demographic; using the success of Sex and Zen 3D as a litmus test, there’s no doubt that any filmmaker interested in producing the as-yet-unmade John Wayne Bobbitt story would find a ripe market in the Outback.