Does Queen Elizabeth II Fart?

photo: NASA/Bill Ingalls

Does Queen Elizabeth II fart? And if so do her farts smell? This could be asked about other major world figures. But it seems like a partly apt question to ask about the highest ranking member of one of the great royal families The House of Windsor. Of course, we want to know about the farting of celebs like Kim Kardashian, (particularly because of certain morphological features she possesses which showcase flatulence). “Let me tell you about the very rich. They are different from you and me,” F. Scott Fitzgerald once wrote. The same applies to royalty, but to what extent? Clairol’s famous intoned, “Does she...or doesn’t she? Only her hairdresser knows for sure.” One could ask Prince Philip, but it is unlikely that he and the Queen share the same bed and even if they did, he would probably be loathe to spill the beans. Only Queen Elizabeth’s GI guy or gal is likely to know for sure, but mum is likely to be the word with them too. It’s important to pose questions like this because intestines are really tantamount to insides. Shitting, farting and belching are the great levelers and if you are certain that “beans beans the musical fruit/the more you eat, the more you toot” applies to everyone, then you can be sure that humanity rather than titles or talents is what really  unites our race. When you're exposed to a big time celebrity like Kim Kardashian, with an impossibly beautiful butt, or a major rock star, politician , artist or screen idol and feel inferior due to his or her status or talent, remember that they belch and fart just like you and me. Don’t imagine them receiving a Nobel or Oscar. Don’t imagine Beyonce or Jay Z receiving a another Grammy, imagine them on vacation in Mexico suffering from Montezuma’s revenge.

Standing on the Shoulders of Giants

There's an inner circle that hangs over all our lives, an inner sanctum to which we will never gain admittance. Of course the oedipal chamber, where the primal scene is enacted is the inner circle which all children are excluded from. But in reality we all are like commuters who live in the suburbs of some imagined world of larger than life beings whose mythologies throw a shadow over our existence. No matter how far up the ladder, no matter how high up on the great chain of being, there's always someone there before us whose exploits out shadow anything we can accomplish. “For fools rush in where angels fear to tread,” is Alexander Pope’s famous line, but the fool in question is likely to be coming late to the party. Writers wistfully recall the antics of the Algonquin Round table. No matter how many steroids they take few baseball players can't compete with legends like Ty Cobb and Babe Ruth. No matter what their pedigree politicians never seem to have the charisma of Roosevelt or de Gaulle, nor the glamour of Kennedy whose White House was referred to as Camelot. American directors don’t make films like John Ford, Preston Sturges and Howard Hawks and despite being the highest paid athlete in sports today, can we really put Floyd Mayweather. Jr. in the class Joe Louis, George Foreman or Mohammed Ali? Are JZ and Beyonce, perhaps the hottest team in popular music, any competition for the Beatles or The Stones (who are still going strong)? And how do the De Niros, Pacinos, the Streeps and Jolies of today really crock up to the Clark Gables , Jimmy Stewarts, Cary Grants, Barbara Stanwycks, Katherine Hepburns and Betty Davises of the past? No matter how hard we try, we’re all bridge and tunnel. We’re all by definition standing on the shoulders of giants.