Thursday, September 14, 2017

Dog Walkers Anonymous

Rin Tin Tin (1929), photo: Warner Brothers
Dogs are famously or infamously (depending on how you feel about the encrusted turd you're trying to extract from the crenellated soles of your running shoes) man’s best friend? But what about dog walkers? It’s not a matter of friendship. You run into them in the elevator pulling on the leashes of their charges and probably find yourself thinking this is the last person you want to see. Have you for instance been on a schedule in which by hook or crook you come up and down in the elevator of your building with the same dog walker more than once a day? You’ve already said your perfunctory hello and he or she is as disgusted to have to apologize for their presence as you are to see them. Why have a dog if you're going to need a dog walker? It’s not really germane to the discussion, but consider this. Having a dog walker is like  coming late for a movie. Yes, it’s fun to have someone running to the door when you turn the key in the lock, and following you as you run to the bathroom or the bar or both. It’s great to pat the furry panting head, as you clink the ice in your highball, imagining yourself to be some great statesman like Churchill sitting in front of a roaring fire at 10 Downing Street. But you’re missing a good part of the film. You might as well see the trailer. Dog walkers are surrogates and before employing one, it’s a good idea to remember all the cases of men who have fallen in love with their babysitters. In this case it’s not that the dog walker will run off with your husband or wife; it’s that the dog will opt for its walker. In any case, most dog walkers worth his their salt are going to be picking up poop all day and after a while it takes a toll. Even if you happen to like your local dog walkers, it’s unlikely you’re going to want to shake hands with them.

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