Offensively Defensive or When to Cut the Cheese

photo: Eric Draper

You’ve undoubtedly heard the expression, “the only good defense is an effective offense.” It’s obviously something Putin has taken to heart and he’s a trained pugilist with a background in the martial arts. So his diplomacy is based at least on his experience. The Atlantic ran an article back in 2005 by Paul Starobin entitled “The Accidental Autocrat,” tying Putin’s personality to a morphological disfigurement which made his body and by proxy his personality akin to certain reptiles. Citing Brenda L. Connors a senior fellow at the Naval War College who specializes in the analysis of body movement Starobin remarks, “Connors doubts Putin ever crawled as an infant; he seems to lack what is called contra-lateral movement and instead tends to move in a head-to-tail pattern, like a fish or a reptile...the characteristic of reptiles, Connors says, is that ’they patrol their borders and if an alien enters, lunge reflexively.’” Diplomacy aside, a good offense can also be to be simply offensive. Let’s say the world momentarily opens its arms to you. You’re likely to be disappointed so why not be proactive in anticipating a potential failure by cutting a very smelly fart—say in one of those highly wrought situations in which both love and work are conjoined and the sun, moon and earth are in syzygy. Simply be really insulting to a woman or man you have fantasies about and desire the minute they give you the least bit of attention. Human beings have very short memories and those who were once attracted to you will quickly forget they ever liked you. No they will simply think of you as a repulsive excrescence and then you can spend the rest of your life feeling sorry for yourself and regretting another missed opportunity.