E.D.

You’ve heard of E.T., the Extraterrestrial and A.I. Artificial Intelligence. Is there by any chance a new film coming out entitled, E.D, the Erectile Dysfunctional? You never know what new blockbuster will emerge from DreamWorks and the forever fertile imagination of Steven Spielberg. One thing's certain. Anything will be better than the commercials for Viagra and Cialis which depict sedentary couples who have overstayed their welcome on earth, preparing themselves for the unlikely moment when desire will hit. In E.D. Spielberg will treat erectile dysfunction as the monster that it really is, providing a countervailing force of good in the form of the superhero, E.D. created to meet the challenge of the scourge. Instead of bucolic settings, the movie will start in a second story tenement apartment with the neon “Bar” sign flashing outside the window. You’ll recognize the terrain which Anthony Quinn navigated in Requiem for a Heavyweight. The couple are on their last legs after a lifetime of disappointment and failure and sex is the last thing on their minds, when E.D. magically appears. Suddenly, the dreary surroundings are transformed. The husband’s front porch is turned into a six pack and the wrinkles and cellulite mysteriously vanish from the spouse without the help of Botox. E.D.’s magical powers extend into the financial realm too. The rent is overpaid rather than being overdue and the healthcare system actually turns out to owe our couple money. You don’t find a helluva a lot of sex in the average Spielberg movie, but E.D. will earn an NR rating.