Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Screaming Pope in Bid for Papacy

 Study After Velasquez’s Portrait of Portrait of Pope Innocent X (l953) by Francis Bacon
The Times listed Peter Appiah Turkson of Ghana (“he suggested that condom use was worth considering for married couples in which one partner is H.I.V.-positive,” the Times remarked), Timothy Dolan (archbishop of New York, “When he was archbishop of Milwaukee, Cardinal Dolan authorized payments of as much as $20,000 to sexually abusive priests as an incentive for them to leave the priesthood,” the Times further commented), Marc Ouellet of Canada and six other as “early front-runners” for the papacy (“Successor to Benedict Will Lead a Church at a Crossroads," NYT, 2/11/13). Naturally The Screaming Pope himself has been thrown into the mix by numerous readers of the blog. The choice would be distinctly ecumenical to the extent that he would be the first Jewish fellow to be appointed to such a position. To the extent that he's a closet liberal and intellectual shock jock who supports the use of ribbed condoms to maximize sexual pleasure and, as a creature of habit, is definitely turned on by the idea of allowing women into the priesthood, the choice of The Screaming Pope would allow the church to extend its reach to a far wider audience. The Screaming Pope would, in addition, be the first Pope in modern times to have included Sade’s 120 Days of Sodom in his library (along with Salo, Pasolini’s filmed adaptation of the work). Recent news reports have emphasized the difficult nature of a job which entails so many duties, but let’s face facts. While Benedict recently got points for using Twitter, The Screaming Pope regularly uses Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr and hundreds of apps. He is known as a multi-tasker who can be on the phone, on-line and on the treadmill as he goes about his Sisyphean routines. 


  1. Of course! Like all great ideas, it's obvious once pointed out.
    re being: 'the first pope in modern times to include Sade's 120 Days of Sodom in his library,' don't you mean to say OPENLY include it?
    They might force you to convert to Catholicism, you know, though that's not a problem; you can just pretend to, the way people did during the Inquisition. You could even call it a return to tradition.
    Seriously, have you thought this through? You've written two explicit, erotic novels; I'll bet you're on your second reading copy of 120 Days of Sodom (having worn out the first one); you regularly delve into low-brow topics such as Germany's bestiality laws; you cover the foibles and foolishness of modern culture .....having done all that, I'm still not sure you're adequately prepared to take on the political and moral cesspit of the Vatican.

  2. For starters I want to see if I can conduct Vespers. I’ll go on from there, but taking this idea further. I don’t see why you should have to be a follower of the religion you lead. It’s a managerial position and you might also be brought in to manage say Ford Motors considering your background in sales or promotion or car washing for that matter. The other point is this. To some extent, it’s a matter of the transmigration of sensibilities. For instance you don’t have to be a female to be a lesbian. A man who possesses the sensibility of a woman who loves other woman is a lesbian in spirit, if not in name.

  3. I see. Hiring from outside the organization has become popular and I get that having a unallied and objective person in charge of the messy day-to-day creates freedom for the rest of the participants to, in this case, care for the needy, practice peace, and generally begin to behave in a Christ-like way.
    I still suspect that it's partly the costume that attracts you, but I'm willing to admit that your motives are fairly pure and that you would make an excellent candidate. You have my support.

  4. i admit it you’ve caught me up in my own lie. Mea Culpa (I’ve been practicing my amo, amas, a mats for the job). Yes, it’s the costume. It’s like dressing up in drag religious style. I’ve always wanted to be a Pontiff and be addressed as Holy Father, Your Holiness or Your Eminence. There used to be after hours places in the Village where you could put on papal robes and go the whole nine, but most of them were closed down after the Gulf War.


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