JP Morgan Chase has surpassed McDonalds as the most ubiquitous occupant of retail locations in the New York Metropolitan area, and rumor has it that the banking monolith and the food giant are considering merger talks along the lines of Kinkos and Fedex. Thus, it would be possible to order a Big Mac Super Saver Special, with jumbo fries and soda, and make an equally gargantuan (or miniscule, depending on your finances) deposit when you’re finished with your meal. Previously, McDonald’s offered the opportunity for its customers to make deposits, but those came in the form of fatty deposits to your large intestine rather than cash deposits to your checking account. Now, those who wish to purchase financial instruments in the new JP McChase will also be able to get something for their money. For instance, let’s say I purchase a collateralized debt obligation from JP Morgan Chase—a bundle of risky mortgages wrapped into a useless bond, on which the bank will undoubtedly profit by writing credit defaults swaps. I can still be assured that my purchase will be backed up by the promise of an almost unlimited amount of comestibles, which might be tastier than they are fungible. Chicken McNuggets might not translate into gold bullion, but the newly impoverished customer at JP McChase is not likely to go away hungry.
Architects of the merger have accounted for every contingency of gluttony and greed by modeling the eating/banking experience on drive-through transactions. Each JP McChase will be equipped with a hotline that connects to a live responder. The responder will operate a powerful X-ray that will enable him to see if a customer’s fatty transaction is complete, and if his or her deposit, cash or carb, has gone through.
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