Saturday, November 7, 2009

Subprime Health Care

What to do when a notice arrives advertising health insurance—flexible plan, low monthly rate, covers dental, extended family, long term psychotherapy and analysis, cutting edge cancer, acupuncture, imaging, marriage counseling, inexpensive life and auto insurance options, risk of terrorist attack, plus as bonus: free monthly garage parking anywhere in the continental United States and Canada?

A new medical plan has just turned up in the fax machine. What to do? This one offers a $2,500 deductible policy. But before tossing it into the recycle bin, read the fine print. After paying off the $2,500 deductible, enrollees in the plan are offered private hospital rooms on VIP floors with river views, preventative botox, unlimited elective liposuction, preemptive triple bypass, electroshock, with all PTSD and STD’s welcome.

What about the second fax, which arrives a few minutes later? This plan boasts a free Cancun vacation with securitized collateral. What about the cutting edge plan that allows you, the patient, to become his or her own HMO and make thousands in the process? Chronically ill patients with pre existing conditions are welcome. It’s a plan to die for, literally. Just call the 1-888 number and receive a consultation with former IRS agents, who will help you buy your securitized subprime health insurance policy.

Pay unbelievably low rates that only increase when medical care is required. Huh? Read the fine print. The policy says that you and your family are covered for medical, dental and psychiatric, as long as there are no medical, dental or psychiatric problems. Fair enough, because if you think about it, what they are offering is peace of mind. For the low rate of $69 a month, it is possible to possess a solid plastic health insurance card with a bona fide image of the caduceus on the front. When you enter the doctor’s office and the receptionist asks for your insurance card, just hand it over and proceed to treatment. It's the pay-the-piper plan. Someone is going to have to pay the piper once it turns out that the policy covers no medical conditions. But let’s worry about that later. The most important thing is the health of you and your loved ones, even if you have an aneurysm when you receive the bill.

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