The Rob Ford Center

Miami-Dade County Mug Shot of Rob Ford Upon Arrest for DUI  Charges in l999

Gerald Ford never had a Ford dealership named after him, but there is a Betty Ford Center. Now the question is, is there a Rob Ford Center lurking in the future of the beleaguered Toronto mayor? As everyone knows Rob Ford was videotaped smoking crack, which, when you think of it, is probably a first for the mayor of a major metropolis on the continent of North America. New York was a wide open city during the administration of Abe Beame during the 70’s. New York’s infrastructure was crumbling (an infamous Daily News Headline read “Ford to City: Drop Dead”) and flesh was cheap, but City Hall was not a crack house. The question is what do Toronto’s inhabitants see in Rob? Well for one he’s a strong willed individual who blames his problems with crack on drink. If he hadn’t been drinking he wouldn’t have smoked crack. Rob’s mother and sister suggest solving the problem by putting a breathalyzer in his car. Ostensibly, the breathalyzer would enable Rob to monitor himself so that he didn't get shit-faced enough to smoke crack. The National Post (“Rob Ford’s Mother Thinks Her Son’s Biggest Problem Is His Weight,” 11/7/13) commented thusly, “Diane and Kathy Ford said Mayor Ford needs to lose weight, get a breathalyzer to start his car and see a counselor, but he doesn’t need to go to rehab and he doesn’t need to resign.” If Rob Ford ever has a clinic named after him, this then could be one of the treatments. On the basis of Ford’s own behavior, it would be a unique clinic for heavy drinkers who don't want to face the consequences of their actions. Those who attended The Rob Ford Center would learn how to drink without smoking crack. Patients who liked to do controlled drunk driving would also be offered their own personalized breathalyzer. 

Yes, I Can!

Rick Perlstein, in an op-ed in The Times following Betty Ford’s death (“Betty Ford, Pioneer,” NYT, 7/11/11), describes how the former first lady “volunteered in McCall’s that she had sex with her husband ‘as often as possible.’” Perlstein also notes that Ford had been a dancer with Martha Graham, so that may explain it. Dancers are always more comfortable with their bodies, unless of course they are mentally fucked up like the dancer in Black Swan, who also has mommy issues. But Ford, who did a lot to help a lot of people feel comfortable with a lot of things, particularly by talking about her own alcoholism, should go to heaven just for her pronouncement about her sex life. If she doesn’t go to heaven, then someone should open a First Ladies’ Hall of Fame, right next to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown. The passage of legislation in New York legalizing gay marriage is a milestone, but marriage gay and straight needs all the help it can get. The cornucopia of choices open to couples through the information overload of modern life, with its viral Bovaryism, i.e., life-hating masking as desire, has got marriage by the balls. Every generation spawns pragmatic evangelists who preach the tenets of survival. Betty Wright, who sang “Clean Up Woman,” Arnold Stang, who apotheosized the Chunky Bar, and Camille Paglia, who wrote a book called Sexual Personae, which pointed out why men should have vagina envy, are examples of historical personalities who changed people’s lives. Yes, we all understand that no is a complete sentence. No one wants to encourage people to take advantage of their partners, but Betty Ford spoke for those men and women who kept marriage alive by saying “yes.” All this brings to mind the bestselling 18th century self-help tome, Yes, I Can, by Immanuel Kant.