The Whopper

There's a new Whopper in town. Go to the Met or anywhere on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, have a salad in the cafeteria, and you'll get Legionaire's Disease and cyclosporiasis--which is not something you want to contract in your peloton. Everyone says  Legionaire's is not contagious, plus you don't have to get eat raw vegetables, which are where the cyclosporiasis bacteria reside. Legionaire's is found is microscopic droplets and lettuce can be sautéed, but let's take a best case scenario. You are in a space capsule, a la Tarkovsky's Solaris (1972), or on the Mars mission that NASA has been touting. You eat the lettuce, since there is no time to sauté it. Which way will the powerful diarrhea propel you, towards the red planet or earth?