In the Aftermath of the Chicago Tylenol Murders

Ever since the Chicago Tylenol murders of 1982, you need a safe- cracker to open up most packaging. Whether it’s a bottle of Acetaminophen or a package of cheese you’re challenged when you wish to get the actual thing you  have purchased. It’s actually a literal demonstration of the Kantian Ding an sich to the extent that the reality or essence that you’ve purchased always seems to elude you. Sargento’s cheese is one of the biggest offenders. Just try to peel open one of their tamper proof closeable packages. You have train with weights on your fingers to pry the plastic apart. Listerine and Coppertone Sunscreen Spray both have safety tops which have ended up being both adult as well as child proof. The best solution for Listerine users who are running out of time and patience is not to gargle. One of the biggest offenders are the innocuous looking liquid soap dispensers. You think that a piece of cellophane over the push down top would be enough, but these household appurtenances are treated with the gravity of the little black box that allows the president to annihilate the world. You don’t simply push down and expect soap to come out. You need the equivalent of Dr. Strangelove to make the spigots of many bottles of liquid soap operant. Of all the plagues that God has foisted on mankind, however, none are worse than what the makers of Charmin have wrought. Here it’s not the packaging that’s impermeable, it’s the product itself. Try lifting a slice from a new roll in the middle of the night when bleary-eyed you attempt to wipe away some of the itinerant urine spray dripping down the side of your leg.