Peyronie's in the Sky

On March 16, The New York Times reported on FDA approval of Xiaflex, a medicine that combats Dupuytren’s contracture, in which gnarled fingers cannot be flexed. According to the Times, a host of celebrated talents, including Ronald Reagan and Samuel Beckett, were not able to straighten their fingers. It’s too bad they were born too soon to enjoy the benefits of Xiaflex. But Xiaflex also has other uses, to wit the treatment of Peyronie’s disease, which causes an abnormal curvature of the penis.

Viagra was originally a treatment for angina, but it went on to offer succor to an oft-underserved female organ that happens to rhyme with angina. Similarly, the successful treatment of Peyronie’s, a condition that may have led to Bill Clinton’s impeachment proceedings, was a byproduct of trying to help those who were too crippled to effectively give the finger. Can you imagine getting mad at a New York City cab driver and only being able to give him the curlicue? Actually, Peyronie’s is a bane to some and a badge of honor to others. There are women who look for Peyronie sufferers in sex boutiques, since the Peyronie’s patient (known by connoisseurs as a Pyromaniac) possesses talents that only the most refined of dildos have been crafted to duplicate. The Times article pointed out that Xiaflex will not be cheap, at an estimated $5400 a throw. However, the effects can be life changing, particularly if you are the president of a superpower. Many women who might otherwise have been fodder for the indiscretions of the executive branch have been forced to disagree with Sigmund Freud's “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” Now, much to everyone’s relief, cigars can be cigars, and penises don’t have to go to rehab to get straightened out.