The Final Solution: Is Social Distancing Making You Fat?

Is social distancing making you fat? Do you find yourself noshing before and after a Zoom? These are some of the questions that are being answered by prominent dieticians and cook book authors with first names like Ethel, all across the country. It’s not surprising since what's there to do when you're alone for hours on end, but eat? The fact that your regrets may become so real that you actually think by going over them again and again in your head you can somehow change things is also a product of the pandemic—which has produced a vicious cycle of eating and reliving the past. You know how Word sometimes informs you about the lapse of a particular function. “Not Accessible” signs may begin to pop up when you attempt to remember a particular era of your existence which now seems so far away as to comprise a separate geologic era. Anecdotal evidence suggests that apart from avoiding drugs like hydroxychloroquine, it’s best to remove Ritz and Saltines from your cupboard until the lockdown comes to an end and you can again begin to act out your frustrations on other people and creatures who lack the ability to defend themselves.