Thursday, December 10, 2015

Sperm Count: How ISIS Affects Blowjobs


illustration from the Kama Sutra
The upsurge in terrorism and gun violence has affected the usage of the term “blowjob.” Very few men of any orientation dare request one anymore. "Don’t ask for what you want for you may get it” goes the old saw. It should be noted that hardly anyone either gay or straight has problems with the notion of giving a blowjob since the giver has agency. You'd rather blow someone up than be blown is the semantic logic that’s involved. But paranoia has crept into the bedroom. Who knows if the person you have loved for years is not a terrorist? You certainly don’t want to encourage them by asking for it. Perhaps the arguing and bickering that’s common among couples, in your case, was a sign of smoldering hate that led to the clandestine radicalization of your partner. Thus history has actually caused a change in the way we use language. Men who want blowjobs now practice safe sex not only by wearing condoms, but by asking their partners if they would like to administer fellatio to them or simply using the demotic "suck my dick." That way there's no chance they will be instructing some terrorist masquerading as a lover to use explosives on them. Other men have resorted to more descriptive phrases like “would you mind putting your mouth on my penis?” But if there's agreement between the two partners (who happen to be adhering to the “affirmative consent” statute passed recently in both California and New York) then in the event of consummation, the partner who has been the receiver of oral sex must also be careful not to express their enthusiasm by saying “that blew my mind.”

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