Mad Cows

Opponents of health care reform might be living proof of a need for radical changes in the system, as many of them seem to be suffering from undiagnosed cases of mad cow disease. Known as bovine spongiform encephalopathy, the disease is transmitted to humans when they ingest the brains or spine of beef that contains damaged proteins known as prions.

Mad cow disease is extremely hard to diagnose and differentiate from other degenerative disorders like Alzheimer’s and Huntington’s, but it is characterized by confusion and memory loss, two characteristics that have been noticeable in opponents of President Obama’s health plan. Dementia and involuntary jerking movements known as myoclonus have also been in evidence at the many tea parties across the country, where grown adults dress up like Benjamin Franklin and rant incoherently about the onset of socialism.

Among the most telling manifestations of mad cow disease in humans are extreme personality changes. When Joe Wilson, the Republican representative from South Carolina, yelled out “You lie!” at President Obama, in an unprecedented break from congressional decorum, it was hypothesized that Wilson might be suffering from Tourette’s syndrome, whose symptoms include involuntary utterances of expletives and salacious or provocative language. But doctors at nearby Johns Hopkins Medical Center quickly speculated that Wilson’s outburst was an early manifestation of Creutzfeldt-Jacob disease, as mad cow is known in humans.

Mr. Wilson will be allowed to retain his seat despite his condition, as there is currently no legislation on the books that prevents members of congress from voting while suffering from medical impairments. The split down party lines that characterizes the current health care debate, a disorder known to mental health professionals as “ego splitting,” may exemplify a collective form of schizophrenia deriving from other highly contagious neuro-degenerative disorders known to affect the legislative branch.

There is at present no remedy for the outbreak of mad cow disease currently afflicting anti-Obama opponents of health care. But even those with health insurance may find that the disease is not covered by their plans, since in all likelihood it is a pre-existing condition.